Recently (within the last two weeks), I finished the draft of my thesis novel. It’s not entirely appropriate to call it a first draft, but it is in a way. See, it’s the first full, completed draft, but in reality, the first half of it is more like a third-ish draft, and the second half of it is a first draft. I have to revise it. I have to get it to my second and third readers.
I can’t believe graduation is so close.
I can’t believe that I don’t have any clue what I’m doing next year.
I can’t believe how well ballet is going. Oh, I might have forgotten to mention that I started dancing again this past September (I’d danced for many years, but had to stop when I injured my knee–it never healed due to the autoimmune disease, but now that that’s getting under control, it’s been great). I’m doing pointe, which I was told would never EVER be possible in a million years (haha! Take that!)
I keep worrying about what’s to come, because I’d love to just write all day and night and be really artistically and creatively fulfilled, but I also know that I’d like to eat, so I have to figure out what that balance is going to be. Life is everything and nothing like I thought it would be right now, but sometimes, I find these moments of peace, and I wonder what all the worry and stress and craziness is for, and then I have to go back into the craziness, but the moments make me feel like I’m right where I should be, and that everything will end up the way it’s supposed to end up. And I try to remember that when I feel like the world is wrapping a noose around my neck and I can’t breathe. I finished a draft. The novel didn’t spiral out of (my) control and turn into a never-ending epic saga. It’s done. I feel great and strange and light. I’m trying not to look for the falling anvil.
Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to let some stuff go. Maybe TTOT will be done this year. Maybe it will never be done. I want it to be done, but maybe that’s just not in the cards. Maybe I should focus on the picture book drafts I haven’t been doing and the novel that I can’t finish because I don’t have a master copy, and the memoir, and whatever writing project comes next. And READING! I can’t wait to start reading and doing book reviews again! <–I think I’ve reviewed exactly one book on here; this will change this summer after graduation. Promise!
Sometimes, I feel like my life is a fourth draft. Maybe that’s a great place to be.