There’s a strange phenomenon going around in my head these days. One that feels so rare, it’s easy to forget that it exists. My forms will be signed and finished soon. I’ve had my graduation ceremony.
I’ve even had my party. Oh, no, wait. I haven’t had that yet, because of The Let Down. The Let Down happens when everything is finished, and all the deadlines have passed, and you don’t have more deadlines imminently, or ever again. Not school deadlines, anyway. It’s sinking in, but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t in a funk, or that I’ve been easy to live with on this pseudo-permanent-school’s-out-forever vacation.
I thought that I’d feel more prepared to face the world, and I just don’t, and I have plans. I don’t first have to go out and find a job and figure out how to support myself: I have a fantastic internship lined up. But nothing feels right. I’m too fussy, I don’t care, I don’t have an opinion, the whole world can fuck off and leave me alone, the whole world should just let me run things… Like I said, I’m driving my mother crazy.
The Let Down is what happens when the marathon is over, and the smoke has cleared, and you realize that, deep down, you’re not happy and fulfilled and suddenly, you don’t belong in any one place, or in any one category, and that all that shit you thought you had figured out, you really don’t have anything figured out.