Let it Burn

Today is my last ever day of undergraduate classes. I have a quiz on shit that I don’t know. I handed in the worst term paper of my life yesterday and accidentally flashed the professor in the process. I don’t know what to say about that except that I guess I hope she liked the view.

It’s sinking in that the end is here. There are 11 days until commencement. Then I’m done. Then I have to submit my final transcript and get ready to register for grad school classes.

I have a project due Tuesday. For the class that’s been my constant struggle this semester. Then it’s time to write and heal. I don’t know how to do that. I want to hate (censored), but I can’t, and I think the more I try, the more I can only love (censored) and hope. That really sucks.

So, what if the one and the one that got away are one and the same?

Maybe one day I’ll figure that out in my writing. Until then, I’m trying to watch the bridges burn, and I’m trying to be fine with it. Fresh starts are only ever good. And it’s been a long time coming. But still, even Nell got to salvage something from her old life in Into The Forest. Shouldn’t I be allowed to hold onto something? Some small fragment to make the transition easier? No? Okay, well, I’ll let you know how that goes, then.

Maybe it’s time…

Maybe it’s time for me to move on.

Lingering in this moment and dwelling is killing me. And as much as I don’t want this to end, don’t want to move on, I know I have to.

Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe I’m postponing the obvious. Either way, it just isn’t happening, and that has to mean something, too. Right?

Lucky

I’m really lucky to have super-amazing-fantastic-wonderful friends. Friends that don’t mind when your nervous breakdown inadvertently causes them to miss their favorite dinner of the week. Friends that don’t mind telling you time and again that you just need to put your head down and work or write or what have you.

I texted a friend in pretty intense distress wondering if I should keep writing until I run out of words about a love gone awry, and when that glorious day would arrive, and she texted me back this lovely pearl of advice, which I proceeded to write on a small square of paper and will be taping to my notebook. It says, “Write until you no longer feel the need to write about her. Then rejoice when that day comes!”

I think it’s amazing advice. I need to give myself permission to relax and ride this out, knowing that it will end one day, and then I’ll be SOOOO happy that it’s over, and I’ll have amassed a significant amount of material for future use/playing.

The Last First Day of School?

Today is my last first day of Undergrad. Things are actually going pretty well so far. That’s not to say that I didn’t give myself a stress-induced reaction last night because I was soSOso nervous about this semester. I knew that this semester was going to hurt. I’m taking 18 credits and though I’m taking classes that I wanted to take (I only had 1 class that I needed to take), they’re each going to be a lot of work. I’m sure that it will all be worth it and that at some point in the future, I’ll nostalgically long for these days, but right now I just want it to be over.

I’ve been stressing about grad school a lot too. I’m pretty exhausted, but just wanted to check in so that there was some record that I hadn’t died or something.